Stuff and Things.

Forgetting who you are is rather simple.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 21:03:49 GMT

It's getting back to it that becomes kind of hard.

Silver lining: I can now say I've had the "college experience". ....It really wasn't that great. All it consisted of was a bunch of drunk people getting together and pretending that they really care about each other. Hell, even people they don't like come and then they bitch about them after they leave.

Seriously, why even bother inviting them to begin with if you don't like them.

What's unfortunate about this whole thing is that they're all obviously doing so much because they are unwilling to deal with what's driving them to do this to begin with.

Right so... Im supposed to be working on stuff... Im gonna go... do that...

Gah Gah GAH GAH GAH GAH

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 17:01:19 GMT

Ya ever get the feeling with some people where at first you're like "OH HEY BUDDY!!! *heart* BFF YOOO" and then suddenly its like "Bakcing away, Backing away. Stop dont touch me there this is my private square" ?

Yeah. Yeah. DO NOT LIKE. SO DO NOT WANT.

Also. It's kinda weird being friends with a group of guys and being considered one of the guys because on one hand they talk freely about other girls when they leave in front of you... but it makes you wonder what they say about you when you go.....

I am hungry, tired, and sweaty. This is the start to a really bad day. I need food ASAP.

Oh here we go again!

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 04:42:49 GMT

So. This is it. Second year. Zooming in on me in 6 days.

Sigh. 6 Days. Looking at that seems to make it so small. Like it's barely enough time to do anything. To really get ready. But really it's probably more time than I really need.

My room is still in shambles and not complete. I have no desk to make myself feel like a proper working student. Clothes everywhere. I really need to get more organized. I really need to buy my books. 2 weeks before I'm fucked without them.

I wish I was more excited about this than I really am. Most of my classes this coming semester are all lecture based, no tutorial. Which I'm thankful for. But I think I'll miss the one on one interaction you get with a TA when it comes to work.

(You were a once in a life time chance I'm glad I took. But no other is going to make that kind of impact on me, don't worry. Only room for one smarty pants in my heart.)

And while I know I'm going to enjoy this time period before school. With Welcome Week and what not, I know that I have no real desire to be in Hamilton. I'm tired of what this city has to offer me. I'm continuously surrounded by drama and heart ache. I feel like I can't take a deep breath. Everywhere I go, there's always that giant purple elephant.

It's funny. I have all these goals that I've set up for myself. They're what I think I want, because really I know that I couldn't be happy doing anything else. And yet... having tasted what I knew I always ever wanted out of this life, I find that it wouldn't be a hard decision to turn my life on it's head and try a different path to the same result. For many years I couldn't understand why my mother dropped out of university after meeting my father. I couldn't understand why she would give up on an education that would have helped her achieve the goals that she had set up for herself.

To a certain extent I don't think I ever will. And yet... In some small way... I think I finally get it. She didn't know if it would make her happy, but she knew he did, and that was all she needed. And in coming to that realization I've gained some respect for my mother. She took a chance.

Maybe I will too. I don't really know. I do know that I've never been one to just roll over for anyone. I have a never say die attitude, and some how I became this docile creature just allowing life to happen around me.

I think it's time I changed my situation.

I figure eventually I'll just run out of water.

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 05:29:56 GMT

And then I'll just stare unblinkingly at the computer screen playing Sims 3 (which is actually way more complicated and cooler than it should be). Because as we all know, if you can't get a hold on your life; control a virtual one. Then you'll feel all kinds of thrills and fufillments that you can't gain from normal life and relationships. For example, having the ability to not only kill someone, but make them marry you. What more could you ask for really?

On top of that I have completed my first Sims novel on my road to becoming a famous author.

And then in comparison to real life... I strive for little and achieve less. In retrospect though, I think my life is going to make one of the most depressingly interestingly boring novels ever. Lucky for everyone else I'll have the ability to fast forward over the uninteresting or painful parts. For example, all of highschool. All it really deserves is a paragraph. To signify that it really happened, but wasn't anything memorable.

I find it interesting how I work. When I'm happy I can't think of a single damn thing to write. Everything is all sunshine and rainbows and kittens and nothing solid and readable. And then when I feel like shit on a stick lit on fire, put on someones porch to be stepped on, the words flow like verbal diareha.

Okay, enough with the poop jokes... I think I'm going to take these next few days while I'm at home and think and write and think and write until my finger tips have calloused and my head pounds from looking at the computer screen.

I may or may not turn my phone off for the duration that I am home. We'll have to wait and see. But I definitely want to get some writing in before school starts and I want to shoot myself before typing a single word.

I think I'll start now while the muses inspire me to do so.

Honey Honey.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 21:30:28 GMT

I think it's time to put myself away. Seek out a little silence. Close the doors and sit a while. And walk a little.

Alone once more in this tiny house. I don't even know if I really want someone here. I think I just want the company. Silent company. Someone to sit and not say a word. Listen when I talk. Nod here and there. Curl up with me and stroke my hair until I fall asleep.

Ah yes. Sleep. Even if I go to bed at 2am I still wake up at 8am. I seem to get less and less.

Well. Back to my imaginary friend.

Happy :)

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 22:48:29 GMT

Happy happy happy.
I like the happy.

I is sleepy happy.

:) sooo happy....

I want the Green Lantern's ring.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 05:44:06 GMT

I wonder sometimes if possessiveness is bad. I like it though. It's kinda like an invisible force field around you. With the word MINE stamped across it. It's like protection. From all the bad stuff. You can just curl up in a ball within the shield, and just feel warm and cuddled.

Maybe it's bad sometimes in the wrong hands. But I like it.

G'Smore.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 00:28:38 GMT

I kinda sorta wish I was a little more excited for school. Before I realized my courses were completely wrong for the program I want I was really looking forward to it. Now I can't take Moral Issues which I was really looking forward to, or Greek Tragedy. I realize you cant always get what you want but I REALLY wanted Greek Tragedy. And unless I can get $523 from working the corner... It appears that I'm going to be missing out.

Sigh.

This is what I want though. In the long run. I want History and Philosophy. And if that means that this year is all work and not entirely play (unless I find that one of my courses is like the second coming of Jesus), I'll have to suck it up and do it.

And for the record, you high and mighty TART, if I wanted a mother to nag my ass about stuff I would have stayed home.

ALSO, I think having a "Tic Chart" for whether or not you do stuff is kinda ridiculous, when CERTAIN PEOPLE freaking HOVER to get to do stuff.

AND I dislike the zinging little comments that make me feel like an idiot. And then I make ONE comment because I'm sick and tired of it, and Sar jumps to your rescue. WTF.

I've tried being nice, Ive tried doing nice things, and all I get is snapped at (at one point yelled at) and no one says a peep.

... SO much silent hostility. Im almost looking forward to going home.

Smores and boy makes me happy. I eat more smore and think of boy. Happy place.

Funny thing...

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:17:36 GMT

I started writing this thing about my own personality and how it develops and how other people develop. But I got bored. ... oh well.

I am now the proud owner of an orchid.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 22:46:22 GMT

And a room that looks like it could be used in a IKEA catelouge.

My physical tired, has now caught up to my emotional brain tired.

I think I'm going to go to sleep for the next forever...

Cutest thing ever.

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 23:18:33 GMT

Other than you obviously.

So this is from Run Fatboy Run.

Son: "Can I tell you a secret?"
Dad: "Of course you can."
Son: "There's this girl in my class named Emily."
Dad: "Well I don't think that's a secret, I'm pretty sure the teacher knows about her."
Son: "Hehe she looks like a tree frog."
Dad: "Hahahah well that's not a very nice thing to say. Do you like tree frogs?"
Son nods.
Dad: "Do you like tree frogs more than hobbits?"
Son grins and smiles and nods: "I think we can make a life together."
Dad: "You think you can make a what?"

Cute and funny :)

All in one.

Like a kitten in a slipper.

Would you? Could you?

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 03:56:15 GMT

Cinderella's on the bedroom, she's got a crush on the guy at the liquor store.
Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore, she forgets why she came here.

Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood, for shame she says "None for you prince, I'm tired today. I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming."

Cause I don't care for your fairy tales.
You're so worried about the maiden though you know she's only waiting on the next best thing.

Snow White is doing dishes again, cause what else can you do with seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and calls up a friend, says "Will you meet me at midnight?"

The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says "Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair. I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows."

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom, man made up a story and said that I should believe him.
Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight, but I don't want the next best thing.

You're so worried about the maiden though you know she's only waiting.
Spent her whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience, and a dumb appreciation.

But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending,
Cause I don't want the next best thing.

No no, I don't want the next best thing.

My eyes are so bleary. I guess I'm young but I feel so weary.

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 01:24:32 GMT

I just spent the last 2 hours watching the sky change colours.
Watching the light through the leaves make pretty designs on my walls.
Watching the clouds pass until finally the sky has become a clear misty grey blue.

When I'm old and wrinkled I'll ask myself where all the time went.
What happened to my youth.
How did I seem to run out of time.

And I'll think back to this moment.
These single moments in time where all I do is stare at the sky.

And the only thing I'll ask then is for all these wasted moments back.
Gather them all together.
Then live the life I dreamed of.

Will you live and love with me?

The Bodyguard.

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 17:27:40 GMT

Heaving a huge breath, the sobbing girl let it out in short rapid bursts, accompanied by tiny noises that could be likened to a cat being stepped on.
Her wide, bright red mouth had turned down at the corners, almost meeting her chin that was trembling at the effort to hold in wail after wail. All the small girl wanted to do was scream out her agony, tear at her hair and face. Pull at the bed sheets and throw objects at walls. Tears streamed from her eyes like a never ending fountain of woe. The bittersweet couple on the movie in front of her did nothing to help her pain. Only to increase the shredding of her ragged heart, from the jealousy that torn at her because of those stupid fictional characters. Picking up an oreo, she chucked it at the screen, hitting the male lead in the eye during a close up, and leaving a small amount of cookie crumb stuck to the glass. Grabbing the bottle of wine with one hand, she stuffed another oreo into her sobbing mouth as she began to sing along at the top of her wailing lungs, with the song that played. "AND IIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOUU"" Breaking down once more, she chugged another few inches from the bottle before setting it down. Searching through a pile of used kleenex, she found the box, pulled a tissue and blew her nose loudly. Collapsing on her side, she curled up in a ball pulling a blanket around her shoulders. Still singing, the girl slowly cried herself to sleep....

I'm the best damn thing that your eyes have ever seen.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 05:07:48 GMT

You make me so hot.
Make me wanna drop, you're so ridiculous I barely stop.
I can hardly breath, you make me wanna scream.
You're so fabulous, you're so good to me.

My mind is filled with Black Eyed Peas and raspberries. Mmmm... raspberry wine.... $7 a bottle... so deliciously cheap.

.... It's only bc theyr'e my ring tone. The band. Not the raspberries. Though that would be a sorta cool band name.....

"I've got a feelin', that tonight's gonna be a good night"

Fuck I'm tired.

I want to spend my lifetime loving you...

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 03:09:24 GMT

It's funny. But to this day the Disney opening music still makes me smile.

Despite how unrealistic all the stories are.

Two people meet for 30 seconds, know nothing about each other and then get married.

Happily Ever After.

Until part 2... and then 3... and just cause they can 4, 5 and 6.

Also the title of this entry is a really lovely song...

"I want to spend my lifetime loving you, if that is all in life I ever do. I will want nothing else to see me through, if I can spend my lifetime loving you..."

And then it happened.

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 15:39:46 GMT

BOOM.

Mind blowing.

Yum.

July 17th 2009.

Debates with religious fundamentalists make my brain hurt.

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:25:46 GMT

*Allison and Mom's PT begin a discussion about homosexuals and the gay pride parade... this is what it turned into*

"But they're men"

"... Yeah.."

"And they're prostitutes."

".... Uh huh..."

"But they go for other men. That doesn't work"

".... No it really does."

"But why do they do it?"

"The same reason straight prostitutes do it. Money. And sometimes because they like sex."

".... But they're male."

"..... Yeah."

".... That doesn't make sense."

O.o....

"How does that not make sense?"

"Because they're gay."

"... I'm still not seeing why this doesn't make sense."

*Mom pipes in* "It's because they're not normal."

*Allison looks at mom* "You're in a wheel chair."

*Mom looks at Allison with blank look* "Whats your point?"

"Wheel chair's aren't normal."

*silence* "It's because I'm sick. That's not the same thing."

"But it makes you different than everyone else who walks right?"

"Well yes but that doesnt mean Im not normal"

"EXACTLY it just makes you different, and we accept you for who you are"

".... But Im normal. Theyre not. Its not the same thing. Theyre doing something wrong."

"And who says so?"

"The bible and God."

"Really mom, did God come down and tell you personally that everyone who is gay is wrong?"

"Its in the bible."

"And who wrote the bible mom?"

"The disciples."

"Who were clearly against anyone who doesn't fall into their pretty catholic package."

"No they loved everyone."

"Except gays."

"Yes."

"So then thats not everyone is it?"

"Well..no... but that's because they're sick."

"... "

"Just because someone says it's right Allison doesnt mean it is."

*Allison raises an eyebrow*

"Just because someone says its WRONG Mom doesnt mean it is."

*Silence*

"Im so disappointed in you. I sent you to a catholic school."

"Which was clearly your first mistake."

"Im so very disappointed in you."

"I feel the same way Mom.."

Hey there sexy... Hey there sexy boy...

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 02:51:00 GMT

Who is the cutest ever?

http://www.whoisthecutest.com/

:D

Quote of the day.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 23:46:10 GMT

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."

- Umberto Eco

Continued..

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:17:26 GMT

So if the future is broken down to a molecular level, that means that every single cell that divides has its own future.
Which means that we aren't made up of one future.
We are moving towards BILLIONS of futures which could change based upon the division of a single cell.

Kay.

NOW my mind just went "boom".

I should start writing my epiphanies down more often. This is fun.

There is no now.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 05:01:03 GMT

People say to me "live in the present". Technically speaking there is no present. There is the continual past, second by second moving us forward into what is perceived to be the future. Therefore technically, no one is living for now, because now is in the past. Therefore we are all living for what could be, which is classified by people as being the future. So that means that everyone who is living for the present is living for an unplanned, un-thought of future. Which then classifies everyone as future thinkers or past thinkers. Which can then be broken down into Unplanning future thinkers and Planning future thinkers. Unplanning future thinkers can be cross listed with past thinkers in a sup category as Unplanning future thinkers because they are stuck in past or UnFTP. Then past thinkers can be cross listed with future thinkers if they are people who study the past as away to plan for the future (PPFT - Past Planning Future Thinkers). Yet at the same time, if you are a past thinker and are not studying the past to plan for the future, you can neither plan or unplan for the past. Which means you are stuck in a sort of time limbo. Thus meaning you are an Unplanning Future thinker stuck in past.

Let me break it down.

Future Thinkers
                    > Unplanning
                           > Unplanning future thinkers stuck in the past
                    > Planning
                           > Past Planning Future Thinkers

Past Thinkers
                    > Past Planning Future Thinkers
                    > Unplanning future thinkers stuck in the past

Therefore there is no way to to live in the present. Because there is no present. There is just millions of future moments made up into milliseconds. Which make up seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, etc. We are all moving forward into an unknown nothing space that forms moments and events that we can't yet conceive. Therefore we must always plan and live for the future because it is the future moments that we long for, and the past moments we wish to relive. No one can relive the present or the future. Every stroke of a hand, ot kiss or hug that we want happened and in an instant, as soon as the thought has passed through the minds of the individuals, the kiss has already happened and is over. Which then leads me to, there is no way to "waste" the present. That statement is ridiculous. You're wasting the immediate future. You're wasting the future seconds, which could be justified. In future minutes you could be with friends, or with a lover. Those future minutes which up until you are within seconds of future, is still technically the unknown blank space.

Which therefore makes the future break down into increments of time. There is the ever present, milliseconds, by milliseconds future (you're heart beats another beat which pumps blood down another vein etc.) Then there is second by second (which would be every letter I type, as my mind decides what it is that I am trying to convey) Then minute by minute (what will that person say in response to what I just typed on msn) Hourly, (will I wake up in 2 hours? three? four?) And so on and so forth.

However it is the farther that we look into the future the harder it is to know what is to come. It should also be said that even though the farther we look into the future the more unknown it becomes, the minute by minute, second by second future is also entirely unknown. There is no actual way to know what will happen 3 minutes from now. Because the ever changing future is being changed by the decisions that other people make around you. Therefore there is no actual future but the instant reaction to the past that others have created for you to deal with, that creates future moments. Which means that we are all bouncing off of each others decisions. Creating more decisions, ultimately creating the future as we go. Which means that no one can create their own future, we have what other people have given us to bounce off of. That bouncing occurs in split seconds, which creates the second by second future. Therefore no one is in control of their own destiny. No matter what we intend to happen, we have to work with what does happen second by second. Which until the second passes, is entirely unknow to us. Which means that we have no future to plan for. The future that we do plan for is one that we have created in our own minds. Even that decision to create that future has a direct impact on something. Which means that everyone actually wants to live for the second by second future. Because in a second it could be all over.

Which then technically null and voids my orignal theory of there being future planners and future unplanners. Because there is no way to unplan for the future. It just means that there are different planners based upon time. If you are of the mentality that you "live in the moment" and don't plan for the future, it just means that you are living in the future seconds, not future hours or days, etc. Therefore everyone is a future planner it just depends on the extent to which you go with the planning. Which of course directly effects what the immediate future will be for you.

So then how does this effect the past? Because this means that the past is broken down into instants as well. Thus making each individual a point in time. A forever, moving into the future, point in time. Like a bead on a string sliding in whatever direction we perceive to be the future. Which means that every single inhale and exhale, body function, HELL even on a cellularr, microscopic level, we are continuously moving in time. Or what ever is the future.

So then when someone dies what happens? Because when you die, as an individual time stops. You lack the ability to create decisions that move you forward into an unknown. But does it? Time to the living stops for the dead because they are no longer able to create lasting waves which we bounce off of. So when someone dies it ends the movement that created ripples that we would create ripples from, but for us the last of the ripples creates a future. However, we can't say that time technically stops for them. Because as an individual they still have a future of decomposition that doesn't directly effect us. Therefore even in death you are moving forward into the future.

Holy crap. I think I just broke my brain.

That was awesome.

It's all sunshine and rainbows until God takes a crap on the sky.

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 22:16:52 GMT

And then I was like "WHAT?" and they were all like "I unno..." and Im all "BLARG" *Stalks away to computer*
Which turned me to another "Wtf?" and then a "fuck it I give up" *collapses on bed and attempts self suffocation with pillow"

Turns out that doesn't actually work.

I miss school. I miss learning. I miss classes. I miss feeling smart.

Oi. Bugger off.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 03:40:27 GMT

"No really, this is my happy face."

"Yeah. Right. Okay. Whatever you say. No really, this is my "I believe you" voice."

Because I just can't stop myself.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 05:06:52 GMT

http://sophiemadeleine.bandcamp.com/track/i-just-cant-stop-myself-from-writing-love-songs-about-you

Thank you and Good night.

So I sat down on my bed and took my guitar out of it's case..